Living with The Fear

Back in April I wrote about my experiences of miscarriage. You can read about it here. In the post I talk about how my three miscarriages lead me to be extremely anxious during my pregnancy with the twins. The constant checking for blood every time I went to the toilet, the racing your heart would get when the sonographer would check the babies and the sinking feeling when you realised you hadn’t felt the Babies kick in a while. 

I expect for those who have suffered any great trauma the effects of it will live with you forever. Having the twins brought me so much healing. I had a smooth (well as smooth as it can be delivering two babies) labour and delivery. The twins were born twelve minutes apart with no complications. We spent 3 totally surreal nights in hospital, something I never got to experience with Finlay as he was a NICU baby. And I got to take them home and start life as a family of five with no issues. But despite what may seem like a picture perfect childbirth experience, I still to this day live with the hurt, pain and trauma of my three miscarriages. 

The realisation of this hit me today when I went to the toilet. I got up to flush and thought I could see a patch of red. On further inspection and a few more wipes I realised it was just the pink cleaning solution I use to clean the bowl. But for those few seconds the panic returned, my heart rate shot up, I could feel the blood pulsing through my body and the tears had already started to form. 

Sitting here now typing this it sounds utterly ridiculous as David and I aren’t even trying for a baby. In fact having a fourth baby is definitely not on our agenda. I think we have done our duty in populating the earth! 

So why did my thoughts instantly turn to miscarriage? Why did my mind take me there when rationally it could not be possible? These are questions I cannot answer. I suppose those with a background in counselling or the mind would say I suffered from a mild form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I firmly believe I had after the third miscarriage. But to still have my mind turn there two years after the fact just shows me how powerful the mind is. 

This week Mental Health Awareness day and Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness week were both acknowledged. For many who have suffered a pregnancy or baby loss I am sure they too have suffered some sort of mental health issue. My story is no where near the worst or most distressing I have read but it is mine. It is my experience, it’s happened and I can’t take it back or change it. 

Was it traumatic? Yes. Has it made me stronger? Yes. Did I manage to come out the other end of it? Yes, even though there were plenty of times I thought I wasn’t going to. Will I forever live with the fear I could be miscarrying? I don’t know the answer to that. For me time, counselling and the birth of our twins brought me the healing I needed. I suppose it might just be one of those things I have to live with. Like a scar from a surgery or a burn. But that “scar” has made me who I am. It has made me appreciate my precious gifts so much more. And despite the hurt, pain and many many tears I am so thankful to say I have lived through miscarriage and come out the other end. 

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